Last night was the final Horizon for the 2010 Accelerate group, followed by the welcoming of the 2011 group. Praying through the application was really hard for me this year, and even while filling it out, I didn't feel like my heart was in the process like it was the last 2 years. Part of me hasn't wanted it. I knew I wanted to be a part of Horizon in some setting-but hoping it would be as a novice. I didn't feel ready to be an Accelerator this year, what with stepping into marriage in just 79 days (!), but I felt ok taking the risk to ask to be an apprentice. "Hopefully", I thought, "if I'm an apprentice, I'll be put with a married woman to follow & learn from". No part of me really wanted to be an Accelerator. It took me a while to get my heart to the spot where I could really cheer on Dusty for applying & to be ready to support him as he led from that spot this year.
So, when I heard my name called to be an Accelerator this year, I felt mixed emotions. Disbelief. Shock. Excitement. Nervousness. What the HELL? That's really what I was thinking.
I don't understand it. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. And, just along the lines that Jesus has been speaking, it shows there is no formula.
So, God, I need you to speak. I need you to show me YOUR plan for me this year. I need to hear your voice & I need your courage, because I'm scared out of my mind. Right now my heart isn't ready to be that selfless & lay down my life. It's like I've been such a supporter of it 'in theory', but now the opportunity to really experience it sits in front of me. Staring at me. And I don't quite know what to do.
That box. It's been set before me. I feel like I'm just staring at it while all the other kids around me are ripping into the wrapping paper & opening it up excitedly. I'm not even really examining it at this point. Just staring.
God, what in the WORLD are you THINKING?
No comments:
Post a Comment