My heart is content & expectant.
It's funny I wrote that this morning...because I just talked with SB & was asked to pray about stepping into officially leading a lifegroup.
It's been something I knew would come sooner or later...as I've been leading a subgroup under Meredith for a few months now, & haven't known if leading my own LG is really something Jesus wants for me...I've been ok not knowing the answer. I knew all along I could ask the question & hear the answer if I wanted to...but that's just it...I don't think I've really wanted to know the answer.
But why?
I'm praying Jesus shows me why that is. What is it that's been keeping me from wanting to know?
Fear? Self? I think both of those in some ways...I'm afraid I would screw it up (even though that is inevitable) & afraid the answer would be yes. I'm not sure if I really want to lead a LG. Not sure if I want that mantle. Part of me just wants to be in a LG where I can learn & soak up truth...but not have the mantle & responsibility of leading a group of women. Listening to my own thoughts it feels a bit like what Jesus was showing me at Summit-afraid God would 'make me do something I didn't really want to do'.
There are times I like leading a LG...there are times I don't like it. I just really want to know if this isn't for me, or if I've just been biting off on self a lot. If it is something Jesus wants me to say yes to, I want to be able to say yes wholeheartedly...not just saying yes because Jesus said to.
So, God, please show me the truth about my heart & the truth about your plans!
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