...it's making me jittery.
I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do this Christmas.
Do I stay here in Lex?
Do I go with Dad & Fran to Myrtle Beach to visit Granny?
Lex:
spend w/Mom
spend w/Dusty's fam
go to Campbellsville w/Dusty
Myrtle Beach:
dad, fran, Granny...when will I see her again?
bring someone?
go alone?
Jesus, tell me what to do. I'd rather stay here and be with Dusty, or have him come with me to Myrtle Beach.
Going alone to MB with my dad & fran scares me for some reason...it just doesn't feel great to me. I wouldn't get good time with her to talk about Jesus. It feels kind of like it would be better for me to stay here & go w/D to Campbellsville and get to know his family?
Je ne sais pas.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
there's more to uncover...
So yesterday I got to tell Niki about Friday at Tiffany's, and the conversation really surprised me. I told her about how I guess I had made my own time line of how our relationship would look and then told her what my time line was (earliest proposal being Spring 2010)...and she said it seemed really far off to her. She said she doesn't see any red flags and she has been really impressed with how we've dated, and her thoughts were engagement after 1 year of dating...that really shocked me. And it was great to hear.
I got to take my thoughts and questions to Jesus on my way home from work, and I cried a lot in the car. He told me that while I've been saying I want Him to lead our relationship and I want to trust Him with the timing and whatever it might look like, I actually never took the step to really trust him with it. Instead, I made a switch. I traded my fun idea of a soon engagement/marriage for one farther down the line. I assumed that He wouldn't want that for us before the timeline I made, and I was ok with it being then or later, but I never expected it to be any sooner.
I told Him that people would think I was too young, etc. if it was any sooner....and He said, "don't expect people to understand. Your relationship does not look like most relationships."
He also showed me some times in my past when I was hurt by guys...liking them and them not liking me back...and it's like I am not wanting to believe that this time it's different. Like I'm kind of waiting for the floor to fall out from underneath me. I don't know...
There's still more to unpack. For sure. But apparently Jesus wants me to be really ok with what His plans are for me and Dusty...
I got to take my thoughts and questions to Jesus on my way home from work, and I cried a lot in the car. He told me that while I've been saying I want Him to lead our relationship and I want to trust Him with the timing and whatever it might look like, I actually never took the step to really trust him with it. Instead, I made a switch. I traded my fun idea of a soon engagement/marriage for one farther down the line. I assumed that He wouldn't want that for us before the timeline I made, and I was ok with it being then or later, but I never expected it to be any sooner.
I told Him that people would think I was too young, etc. if it was any sooner....and He said, "don't expect people to understand. Your relationship does not look like most relationships."
He also showed me some times in my past when I was hurt by guys...liking them and them not liking me back...and it's like I am not wanting to believe that this time it's different. Like I'm kind of waiting for the floor to fall out from underneath me. I don't know...
There's still more to unpack. For sure. But apparently Jesus wants me to be really ok with what His plans are for me and Dusty...
Monday, December 1, 2008
Tiffanys
I have to say...this Thanksgiving break has to have been the best ever.
My boss let me leave work at noon Wednesday.
I got to help in Crash that night...watching ELF with middle school kids.
Thursday was Thanksgiving. Dusty & I went to Mom's house for our first meal, and it was very pleasant! Dusty felt like part of the family, playing & joking with mom and Tommy. I loved watching that.
Then we went to his aunt Carol's for our second meal. I loved being with his family. Debbie kept asking me for my Christmas list so she knows what to get me, and wanted to know my plans for Christmas so they could work around them to have me & Dusty over. It made me happy to know she likes me!
Friday was our 1-year! Dusty planned an all-day date and refused to tell me where or what we were doing. I loved it. He picked me up in the morning & we drove to Nashville! We walked around the Opryland Hotel, which was decked out in Christmas decoration! It was very cute. And huge! We stopped in front of a nativity scene & (like nerds) told our own version of the nativity story. haha....one of my favorite parts.
After Opryland, we went downtown and walked around for a while. We tried on awesome cowboy boots & went to Rocketown...an amazing hangout for the youth of Nashville, started by Michael W. Smith. I want to open something like that here in Lexington!
For dinner, Dusty picked out a restaurant called "Sapphire". We didn't know how to get there though, so we stopped at a mall & walked around a bit....
At some point, I think he saw a jewelry store & asked me if I wanted to go in...I said no. Then he told me "I don't think it would be weird if you started looking at rings..." He told me how a jewelry flyer was sent to their house & he and Joe were flipping through it picking out their favorites. When we were leaving, he must have seen more jewelry out of the corner of his eye & said, "Your last chance to look at rings..."
At Tiffanys! So we went in. We looked at engagement rings! I got really nervous. This man came up and asked if I wanted to try one on, and I said no! He tried to help us but I was just getting flustered & we left shortly after.
When we got back to the car, Dusty said, "you should have tried one on!" I said, "I couldn't! I had a hot flash and got really nervous!"
I do know that Dusty wants to pick out the actual ring. He just wants an idea of what style I like best.
I told Meredith about this...she said it doesn't scare her at all, and she likes the fact that Dusty was leading it all. I do too, but it's still weird! Meredith said I need to spend time with Jesus asking why I got so nervous. What is it that made me so nervous and scared?
That's all. I just had to write down this moment so I don't forget it.
My boss let me leave work at noon Wednesday.
I got to help in Crash that night...watching ELF with middle school kids.
Thursday was Thanksgiving. Dusty & I went to Mom's house for our first meal, and it was very pleasant! Dusty felt like part of the family, playing & joking with mom and Tommy. I loved watching that.
Then we went to his aunt Carol's for our second meal. I loved being with his family. Debbie kept asking me for my Christmas list so she knows what to get me, and wanted to know my plans for Christmas so they could work around them to have me & Dusty over. It made me happy to know she likes me!
Friday was our 1-year! Dusty planned an all-day date and refused to tell me where or what we were doing. I loved it. He picked me up in the morning & we drove to Nashville! We walked around the Opryland Hotel, which was decked out in Christmas decoration! It was very cute. And huge! We stopped in front of a nativity scene & (like nerds) told our own version of the nativity story. haha....one of my favorite parts.
After Opryland, we went downtown and walked around for a while. We tried on awesome cowboy boots & went to Rocketown...an amazing hangout for the youth of Nashville, started by Michael W. Smith. I want to open something like that here in Lexington!
For dinner, Dusty picked out a restaurant called "Sapphire". We didn't know how to get there though, so we stopped at a mall & walked around a bit....
At some point, I think he saw a jewelry store & asked me if I wanted to go in...I said no. Then he told me "I don't think it would be weird if you started looking at rings..." He told me how a jewelry flyer was sent to their house & he and Joe were flipping through it picking out their favorites. When we were leaving, he must have seen more jewelry out of the corner of his eye & said, "Your last chance to look at rings..."
At Tiffanys! So we went in. We looked at engagement rings! I got really nervous. This man came up and asked if I wanted to try one on, and I said no! He tried to help us but I was just getting flustered & we left shortly after.
When we got back to the car, Dusty said, "you should have tried one on!" I said, "I couldn't! I had a hot flash and got really nervous!"
I do know that Dusty wants to pick out the actual ring. He just wants an idea of what style I like best.
I told Meredith about this...she said it doesn't scare her at all, and she likes the fact that Dusty was leading it all. I do too, but it's still weird! Meredith said I need to spend time with Jesus asking why I got so nervous. What is it that made me so nervous and scared?
That's all. I just had to write down this moment so I don't forget it.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
3 Musketeers....mint.
I've eaten so many of those deliciously minty candies today!
I finally got to talk to Meredith about some stuff that was going on in my heart. I'm anxious, but it was great to talk to her.
I will keep going to the MAT on Fridays- the Lord has a lot he wants to do in me & free me from...kind of getting rid of lots of baggage. I really can't wait to see what I look like at the end of this!
As for Dusty, I got to talk to Merda about lots of stuff:
-Frankfort...it makes me sad to think that I won't be able to go to service with Dusty. But, those times that I will get to will be great, and I know Jesus is using him and he's where he's supposed to be. I also know Jesus has plans for me here and this separation kind of frees both of us up to focus on those...
-Date Nights...we're not entitled to long date nights...we're note even entitled to a date night. It's hard to really receive that, but I know it's true. We're not going to be able to see each other nearly as much as we have in the past, and I don't think things will be slowing down for either of us. We have been given homework- to go on 2 good dates over the next 3 weeks. Dusty has to plan one and I have to plan the other. We have to have fun, play & connect.
-Marriage stuff...Merda said it doesn't feel out of the realm of possibility. She said she doesn't have a time line mapped out for what it should look like, but a lot of that timing depends on Dusty leading & taking initiative. (and of course, Jesus)
Fused Retreat is this weekend! Crazy! I can't wait! I really want Hannah to come & I would love to lead her to Christ!
I finally got to talk to Meredith about some stuff that was going on in my heart. I'm anxious, but it was great to talk to her.
I will keep going to the MAT on Fridays- the Lord has a lot he wants to do in me & free me from...kind of getting rid of lots of baggage. I really can't wait to see what I look like at the end of this!
As for Dusty, I got to talk to Merda about lots of stuff:
-Frankfort...it makes me sad to think that I won't be able to go to service with Dusty. But, those times that I will get to will be great, and I know Jesus is using him and he's where he's supposed to be. I also know Jesus has plans for me here and this separation kind of frees both of us up to focus on those...
-Date Nights...we're not entitled to long date nights...we're note even entitled to a date night. It's hard to really receive that, but I know it's true. We're not going to be able to see each other nearly as much as we have in the past, and I don't think things will be slowing down for either of us. We have been given homework- to go on 2 good dates over the next 3 weeks. Dusty has to plan one and I have to plan the other. We have to have fun, play & connect.
-Marriage stuff...Merda said it doesn't feel out of the realm of possibility. She said she doesn't have a time line mapped out for what it should look like, but a lot of that timing depends on Dusty leading & taking initiative. (and of course, Jesus)
Fused Retreat is this weekend! Crazy! I can't wait! I really want Hannah to come & I would love to lead her to Christ!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Hot Coffee
Today has been strange.
Not that a lot has happened...
I've been at work, pretty much by myself all day long. I don't like it much. I don't like being alone for long periods of time. At least when I'm stuck in one place. If I could get out & drive around, that would be fine. But sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours is hellish.
I'm not particularly happy.
I tried to spend some time talking to Jesus, walking around campus. I heard some good stuff, but overall I am frustrated with myself and how selfish I am. I hate it. I hate how my thoughts and my eyes are focused on me; not other people. I wanted to cry when Jesus was showing me the people around me on my walk. He gave me a glimpse of how he sees them; how his heart breaks for them because they don't see him. He showed me a pile of leaves. There, in the middle of a large pile of brown dead leaves, was a bright red leaf. He said, "that's you. I put you here to be a bright, colorful leaf among the dying ones."
I don't know how.
I finished the chapter in IF YOU WANT TO WALK ON WATER, YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THE BOAT called "Walking on the water". At the end, there are questions for you to answer...and I kind of don't know how to.
-What am I doing today that I could not do apart from the power of God?
-How would you describe your faith these days? What might help you get to know God better?
-What is one step you could take today to expand your "spiritual comfort zone"?
-What one area of the world, or one cause, or one need that's bigger than yourself would you be willing to pray for over the next six months?
There was a story in the chapter about this guy named Bob, who prayed for Africa for 6 months...and he saw real miracles happen. He got to take a trip to Africa, which spurred him on to write a letter, which then got millions of dollars worth of medical equipment sent to the medical center in Africa. He was invited back & on his visit, made a comment to an important man that these prisoners should be released.
And then they were.
Organizations had been trying to get those prisoners released for years....and then one man makes a side comment, and it happens.
It's crazy. And it makes me wonder what God wants to use me for. I really want to have the courage to go all out with His plans. I want the confidence that I was meant for what He calls me to, and to just risk it all.
Things are changing, and it makes me excited and a little sad.
-Dusty is on the Frankfort launch team, which is awesome...and it means we won't get to go to service together but only once in a blue moon.
-I'm going to the MAT on Fridays, so we've had to move our date night...
-which means we only get 2-3 hours for our date instead of the whole evening like we've been used to.
-We've talked about where we are regarding marriage, and both of us are kind of wondering how you know it's even the right time to start thinking/talking about it...when is the right time to start meeting with Michael & Ginny Riensche as a couple? Then how do you know it's the right time to propose? Etc...
I feel like I've been so comfortable with how everything was going...not necessarily happy with it, but used to it... and now I'm feeling the way it's shifting, and it feels weird. I know Jesus wants to do work in me & Dusty. I welcome it, and it also makes me nervous.
So here we go.
Not that a lot has happened...
I've been at work, pretty much by myself all day long. I don't like it much. I don't like being alone for long periods of time. At least when I'm stuck in one place. If I could get out & drive around, that would be fine. But sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours is hellish.
I'm not particularly happy.
I tried to spend some time talking to Jesus, walking around campus. I heard some good stuff, but overall I am frustrated with myself and how selfish I am. I hate it. I hate how my thoughts and my eyes are focused on me; not other people. I wanted to cry when Jesus was showing me the people around me on my walk. He gave me a glimpse of how he sees them; how his heart breaks for them because they don't see him. He showed me a pile of leaves. There, in the middle of a large pile of brown dead leaves, was a bright red leaf. He said, "that's you. I put you here to be a bright, colorful leaf among the dying ones."
I don't know how.
I finished the chapter in IF YOU WANT TO WALK ON WATER, YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THE BOAT called "Walking on the water". At the end, there are questions for you to answer...and I kind of don't know how to.
-What am I doing today that I could not do apart from the power of God?
-How would you describe your faith these days? What might help you get to know God better?
-What is one step you could take today to expand your "spiritual comfort zone"?
-What one area of the world, or one cause, or one need that's bigger than yourself would you be willing to pray for over the next six months?
There was a story in the chapter about this guy named Bob, who prayed for Africa for 6 months...and he saw real miracles happen. He got to take a trip to Africa, which spurred him on to write a letter, which then got millions of dollars worth of medical equipment sent to the medical center in Africa. He was invited back & on his visit, made a comment to an important man that these prisoners should be released.
And then they were.
Organizations had been trying to get those prisoners released for years....and then one man makes a side comment, and it happens.
It's crazy. And it makes me wonder what God wants to use me for. I really want to have the courage to go all out with His plans. I want the confidence that I was meant for what He calls me to, and to just risk it all.
Things are changing, and it makes me excited and a little sad.
-Dusty is on the Frankfort launch team, which is awesome...and it means we won't get to go to service together but only once in a blue moon.
-I'm going to the MAT on Fridays, so we've had to move our date night...
-which means we only get 2-3 hours for our date instead of the whole evening like we've been used to.
-We've talked about where we are regarding marriage, and both of us are kind of wondering how you know it's even the right time to start thinking/talking about it...when is the right time to start meeting with Michael & Ginny Riensche as a couple? Then how do you know it's the right time to propose? Etc...
I feel like I've been so comfortable with how everything was going...not necessarily happy with it, but used to it... and now I'm feeling the way it's shifting, and it feels weird. I know Jesus wants to do work in me & Dusty. I welcome it, and it also makes me nervous.
So here we go.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Autumn 2008
I just realized how long it has been since I last wrote...let's see.
I looked back at past blogs & saw the 'summer list' I wrote at the beginning of the summer.
Here are the things I can check off the list!
-Go to the beach...well, I didn't really go to the beach, but I got to go sailing for a few hours!
-Get a new car. YAY!
-Go to the Gorge. Our Access leadership retreat was at the Gorge! I got to go hiking at Natural Bridge!
-Move into a new apartment. woo hoo!
-Hear those 3 words. Wow, this seems like it was so long ago! It must have been not too long after I wrote this list that he told me!
-Take more pictures! I didn't take too many, but I'm getting ready to take pictures at a wedding!
-Matte, Frame, & Hang Photos in gallery. What the HECK?!? My pictures from Spain are hanging at Common Grounds right now!
And the things I'm still hoping for:
-See Tommy & Jessi come to church
-Go somewhere with just Mom
-Get a new phone
-Get a haircut
-Use my massage certificate
Jesus is still stretching me like no other. Meredith & I are reading a book called "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat". It's killer. I can't wait to see where my heart is at the end of the book.
This Friday is Nick Child & Lauren Burgess' wedding! Crazy.
I want the weather to stay cool. I love when the leaves change colors.
I need new shoes.
That's pretty much everything on my mind right now.
Back to work.
I looked back at past blogs & saw the 'summer list' I wrote at the beginning of the summer.
Here are the things I can check off the list!
-Go to the beach...well, I didn't really go to the beach, but I got to go sailing for a few hours!
-Get a new car. YAY!
-Go to the Gorge. Our Access leadership retreat was at the Gorge! I got to go hiking at Natural Bridge!
-Move into a new apartment. woo hoo!
-Hear those 3 words. Wow, this seems like it was so long ago! It must have been not too long after I wrote this list that he told me!
-Take more pictures! I didn't take too many, but I'm getting ready to take pictures at a wedding!
-Matte, Frame, & Hang Photos in gallery. What the HECK?!? My pictures from Spain are hanging at Common Grounds right now!
And the things I'm still hoping for:
-See Tommy & Jessi come to church
-Go somewhere with just Mom
-Get a new phone
-Get a haircut
-Use my massage certificate
Jesus is still stretching me like no other. Meredith & I are reading a book called "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat". It's killer. I can't wait to see where my heart is at the end of the book.
This Friday is Nick Child & Lauren Burgess' wedding! Crazy.
I want the weather to stay cool. I love when the leaves change colors.
I need new shoes.
That's pretty much everything on my mind right now.
Back to work.
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