Happy Birthday Frances!

Today is my best friend's birthday!Whitney & I went to lunch with Frances & then the 3 of us got ice cream. YUM. I absolutely love that girl. We went to high school together, but it wasn't until our senior year that we became really good friends. And even though she went to college in Alabama for 4 years & I only got to see her for about 3 weeks out of the year, our relationship didn't fade-it grew. Hundreds of miles apart, we went through hardships and celebrations together. Now I'm lucky to have her back home while she goes through law school and we get our weekly lunch dates. She is such a joy to be around. I just love her a lot and I can't wait to see what Jesus does in her over these next few years.

While Whitney & I were waiting for Frances to pick us up for lunch, we started talking about wedding stuff & what Jesus is doing in my heart. It's pretty great...and I'm just seeing the front end of it...

I have been praying, asking Jesus if Dust is 'the one'....and I have heard a yes from Him. At first it scared me and thoughts would jump into my head like, 'what if i screw up' or 'what if it's too hard' or 'what if he falls out of love with me' or 'what if i'm hearing wrong'? So I went back & asked again....and again, He said 'yes'.

Now, I'm just excited and the thought of marriage doesn't so much scare me as it does make me happy. I still don't know when that time is for us, but it's ok. It feels weird knowing that yes, Dusty & I will get married one day and that is actually a gift from God, not me being selfish or making my own plans...but it will actually be me following Jesus' plans.

And I do find myself thinking of what our wedding will be like...and I'm actually starting to find out who Jesus made me to be in thinking of what kind of things I would like for our wedding. See, for the longest time I was a passive girl who just followed behind people. I let others make decisions and for the past year or so, I've seen how little I know about myself. It's hard for me to answer questions like, 'what is your favorite_____'? I always wanted to have my own taste & my own passion for things-clothes/art/music, etc. like my friends did, but I don't think I believed it would be good enough, so I just took in everything around me.

Now I'm just starting to get to know myself a little bit better....I can't wait to find out who Jesus made me to be! Maybe I'll start posting 'things I like'. hmmm....Yes.

Dream Job

I just want to take pictures.

I sit at my desk for 7 hours a day...reading blogs & looking up photography equipment. All I want to do is quit my job & be a full-time photographer.

Maybe one day I will.

...cont'd

I just walked outside to grab a bite to eat and it is absolutely GORGEOUS! I SO want to get my camera and walk downtown or in a field taking pictures. I am just dying to explore & experiment with my camera. I want to learn how to be a better photographer & be confident in my shooting. I would love to be a wedding & portrait photographer.


I started praying about it on my walk to the Student Center.
It would be really hard if Jesus says this is what I'm supposed to do...but it would be freaking amazing!

I want...

to be selfless.

That's pretty much my goal for the year.
Over the last 3 months, Jesus has been revealing places in me that are so selfish...it's disgusting. I've seen where if things don't go the way I want them to, I get frustrated and I am not at all quick to give grace. I've seen where I am frugal with my money, but don't think about what others sacrifice when they offer to buy me food, etc. I've chosen comparison and desired attention.
I want to be rid of all of that...I want to be more like Jesus.

This year I get the gift of being a part of a leadership group at church...at the beginning, our pastor warned that it would be a hard and very stretching year for anyone who chose to participate. I heard Jesus telling me this was the spot for me right now, so I said yes. I don't think I realized how it could even be as hard as Pete was making it out to be...

Then last night we had our first 'Horizon' meeting...and he started to show me the beginnings of what this year is going to look like. We found out what group of people we are going to be with this year, getting to know each other, growing together and working together on projects. Within the first minute of sitting with my group, I started to cry. Preferences were uncovered that I had no idea were there. It was gross, but great that Jesus would reveal that to me up front so I could get rid of it & make way for everything to come.

I can't wait to see how He changes me this year. It is going to be uber challenging, but it will totally be worth it.

Communication is Key

The last month has been hard for me.
The last thing I wanted was to get distracted & think about marriage constantly...yet that's what happened. It seems that the engagement bug is going around and each time it's hitting closer to home. I've seen 5 friends get engaged in the last 2 months & apparently two more will be asked the big question by March.
After Nashville, my heart has been swinging like a pendulum. It went from knowing where we both were in the relationship to thinking he was farther ahead than me...so I tried to catch up to where I thought he was, only to find out that he wasn't there! (I don't know if any of this is making sense)
Anyway, I ended up getting frustrated because I realized I had no clue how Dusty felt. I was upset because when he told me he didn't think it would be weird if I started looking at rings & took me into Tiffanys, I didn't take it lightly...I didn't expect him to say something like that when he wasn't 100% sure I was the one he would marry and I expected him to know that that move with your girlfriend most of the time isn't just a 'hey, this would be fun...but don't think anything of it' kind of experience. I get to trust him in our relationship and trust that he is actually talking to Jesus about it and listening to hear what Jesus wants for us...but I wasn't sure he was taking those steps.

Well, we got to talk last night & I got to share exactly how I was feeling. It was hard and really great. Dusty told me he wants to marry me and reassured me that he has in fact been praying about it. I got to tell him I want to marry him and turns out, I think he needed to hear that. He said he didn't think he really knew or believed I did until last night. He said he's been scared to ask Jesus about the timing of our relationship and it's growth.

Now we both know we're at the same place in our relationship & its growth, which is great. After hearing him talk last night, it seems like there's some fear that has been holding him back, but now that the fuzzy areas have been cleared and his fear isn't in hiding anymore, it sounds like he wants to start being proactive and relentless in asking and hearing from Jesus what His plans are for our relationship.

Communication is so important in a relationship...

Watch this message about it:
Static:Interference

Espresso Truffle

...it's making me jittery.

I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do this Christmas.
Do I stay here in Lex?
Do I go with Dad & Fran to Myrtle Beach to visit Granny?

Lex:
spend w/Mom
spend w/Dusty's fam
go to Campbellsville w/Dusty

Myrtle Beach:
dad, fran, Granny...when will I see her again?
bring someone?
go alone?

Jesus, tell me what to do. I'd rather stay here and be with Dusty, or have him come with me to Myrtle Beach.
Going alone to MB with my dad & fran scares me for some reason...it just doesn't feel great to me. I wouldn't get good time with her to talk about Jesus. It feels kind of like it would be better for me to stay here & go w/D to Campbellsville and get to know his family?

Je ne sais pas.

there's more to uncover...

So yesterday I got to tell Niki about Friday at Tiffany's, and the conversation really surprised me. I told her about how I guess I had made my own time line of how our relationship would look and then told her what my time line was (earliest proposal being Spring 2010)...and she said it seemed really far off to her. She said she doesn't see any red flags and she has been really impressed with how we've dated, and her thoughts were engagement after 1 year of dating...that really shocked me. And it was great to hear.

I got to take my thoughts and questions to Jesus on my way home from work, and I cried a lot in the car. He told me that while I've been saying I want Him to lead our relationship and I want to trust Him with the timing and whatever it might look like, I actually never took the step to really trust him with it. Instead, I made a switch. I traded my fun idea of a soon engagement/marriage for one farther down the line. I assumed that He wouldn't want that for us before the timeline I made, and I was ok with it being then or later, but I never expected it to be any sooner.

I told Him that people would think I was too young, etc. if it was any sooner....and He said, "don't expect people to understand. Your relationship does not look like most relationships."

He also showed me some times in my past when I was hurt by guys...liking them and them not liking me back...and it's like I am not wanting to believe that this time it's different. Like I'm kind of waiting for the floor to fall out from underneath me. I don't know...

There's still more to unpack. For sure. But apparently Jesus wants me to be really ok with what His plans are for me and Dusty...

Tiffanys

I have to say...this Thanksgiving break has to have been the best ever.

My boss let me leave work at noon Wednesday.
I got to help in Crash that night...watching ELF with middle school kids.

Thursday was Thanksgiving. Dusty & I went to Mom's house for our first meal, and it was very pleasant! Dusty felt like part of the family, playing & joking with mom and Tommy. I loved watching that.

Then we went to his aunt Carol's for our second meal. I loved being with his family. Debbie kept asking me for my Christmas list so she knows what to get me, and wanted to know my plans for Christmas so they could work around them to have me & Dusty over. It made me happy to know she likes me!

Friday was our 1-year! Dusty planned an all-day date and refused to tell me where or what we were doing. I loved it. He picked me up in the morning & we drove to Nashville! We walked around the Opryland Hotel, which was decked out in Christmas decoration! It was very cute. And huge! We stopped in front of a nativity scene & (like nerds) told our own version of the nativity story. haha....one of my favorite parts.

After Opryland, we went downtown and walked around for a while. We tried on awesome cowboy boots & went to Rocketown...an amazing hangout for the youth of Nashville, started by Michael W. Smith. I want to open something like that here in Lexington!

For dinner, Dusty picked out a restaurant called "Sapphire". We didn't know how to get there though, so we stopped at a mall & walked around a bit....

At some point, I think he saw a jewelry store & asked me if I wanted to go in...I said no. Then he told me "I don't think it would be weird if you started looking at rings..." He told me how a jewelry flyer was sent to their house & he and Joe were flipping through it picking out their favorites. When we were leaving, he must have seen more jewelry out of the corner of his eye & said, "Your last chance to look at rings..."

At Tiffanys! So we went in. We looked at engagement rings! I got really nervous. This man came up and asked if I wanted to try one on, and I said no! He tried to help us but I was just getting flustered & we left shortly after.

When we got back to the car, Dusty said, "you should have tried one on!" I said, "I couldn't! I had a hot flash and got really nervous!"

I do know that Dusty wants to pick out the actual ring. He just wants an idea of what style I like best.

I told Meredith about this...she said it doesn't scare her at all, and she likes the fact that Dusty was leading it all. I do too, but it's still weird! Meredith said I need to spend time with Jesus asking why I got so nervous. What is it that made me so nervous and scared?

That's all. I just had to write down this moment so I don't forget it.