On the Verge

So it's been over 2 months since D & I got married!

The wedding was perfect.

And married life has been lots of fun.

It's strange, though, because now I find myself sitting on the verge of something new...I can feel it in my bones that God has a 'next' in store for me, I just have NO clue what that might be.

Where I feel it the most is in my serving role at church...I know something needs to shift. It's hard not being convinced I'm called to student ministry, because it means it's not just looking at an org chart & pointing to which role I feel would be fun to fill. No, anything is possible. I could be called into a whole new field. Something I've never done before.

It's scary.

Scary because-what if I'm not good at it? What if I'm called into something I know NOTHING about? What if my time with D gets even smaller? If our schedules are polar opposites?

I just want to know what this 'next' is.

3 days

It's crazy how time flies...

We are just 3 days away from the wedding! I can't believe it's finally here...it feels like it was just yesterday that we even started dating.

It's been pretty relaxed planning this thing, actually. I'm surprised by how not stressed we're feeling. It feels like things are coming together pretty smoothly...no complaints about that!

My heart is a little sad & I could cry when I look at the weather forecast. The one thing Dusty & I really wanted...the only thing I've been sure of since I was 14 was that the wedding would be outside. It's in nature where I meet with Jesus the clearest, & the same for Dusty. We love being outside...and right now the forecast is calling for 70% rain & thunderstorms. Thursday & Friday.

It's hard to not check weather.com obsessively. But, I know I heard Jesus say 'trust me & stop worrying.'...so I am really not going to check the weather the rest of today or tomorrow. God knows my heart...He created it. He created me to have a connection with nature & to meet with him there. And He's known the desires of my heart & Dusty's since before we were born. So, God, I ask you to do your work. I know you want to lavish me with your love & that you will be present & leading our wedding. I really believe that. Because I know you designed us to be together & you are the center of our relationship & marriage & you have great plans for us. I know you want to shine through our wedding. I want to be open-handed with what it looks like...want to, but I'm not there yet. I want to keep my hopes up too...not just expect the worst & then be surprised if it's better.

So, I believe you. I trust you. And I give you this wedding.

Love, Melissa.

60 days...

Only 60 days until I get to put on my dress & walk down the aisle to him. Only 60 days until we get to stand before God & our family & vow our lives to love each other & follow Jesus wherever He takes us. 60 days until I can finally call him my husband!

It blows my mind...In just 2 months we will be married! I absolutely cannot wait!

:)

Seriously?!?

I'm super tired, & still trying to make sense of the happenings of last night...

Last night was the final Horizon for the 2010 Accelerate group, followed by the welcoming of the 2011 group. Praying through the application was really hard for me this year, and even while filling it out, I didn't feel like my heart was in the process like it was the last 2 years. Part of me hasn't wanted it. I knew I wanted to be a part of Horizon in some setting-but hoping it would be as a novice. I didn't feel ready to be an Accelerator this year, what with stepping into marriage in just 79 days (!), but I felt ok taking the risk to ask to be an apprentice. "Hopefully", I thought, "if I'm an apprentice, I'll be put with a married woman to follow & learn from". No part of me really wanted to be an Accelerator. It took me a while to get my heart to the spot where I could really cheer on Dusty for applying & to be ready to support him as he led from that spot this year.

So, when I heard my name called to be an Accelerator this year, I felt mixed emotions. Disbelief. Shock. Excitement. Nervousness. What the HELL? That's really what I was thinking.

I don't understand it. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. And, just along the lines that Jesus has been speaking, it shows there is no formula.

So, God, I need you to speak. I need you to show me YOUR plan for me this year. I need to hear your voice & I need your courage, because I'm scared out of my mind. Right now my heart isn't ready to be that selfless & lay down my life. It's like I've been such a supporter of it 'in theory', but now the opportunity to really experience it sits in front of me. Staring at me. And I don't quite know what to do.

That box. It's been set before me. I feel like I'm just staring at it while all the other kids around me are ripping into the wrapping paper & opening it up excitedly. I'm not even really examining it at this point. Just staring.

God, what in the WORLD are you THINKING?

Countdown: 99 days!

Well wedding planning is in full-swing! It's been hard & trying...we've changed our color pallette 3 times, the bridesmaid dresses 2 times, & the groomsmen outfits once. Now we're in the process of possibly changing our reception spot...BUT, it's turning out to feel more like the wedding I had envisioned in the first place! More relaxed & vintage-rustic.

And we are down to 99 days! I can't believe in just 3 short months I will be walking down an aisle to marry my favorite person! I can't wait to start our life together as the Baileys. It's still crazy to me that 4 years ago I was refusing to think about dating him...and now we're about to become husband & wife...

On another note, we just announced in Fused last night that we will be going to MYRTLE BEACH this summer! It blows my mind to see where Jesus has brought our student ministry over the years...from the time I was in the little group of 10 to now, when we're looking at the possibility of 350 kids coming on this trip!?! What in the world? I can't wait to see what he's got in store for us in July!

That's it for now...I just wanted to write a quick update!

99 days...

M

Engaged!

I'm not sure why I haven't taken the time until now to type all of this out...but, D. & I are engaged!!!

It's crazy still...still sinking in that in a few short months, I will be married to the man I love...wild.

So, engagement story...

We went with some of the FUSED lead team to Myrtle Beach for some meetings & such for just a day. As we were getting ready to head back home, we stopped at the beach to walk around for a few minutes. I had my camera out taking pictures of the gorgeous scenery & soaking it all in, when Brad (the student pastor) pulled the other 2 women aside & acted as though there was a serious matter he needed to talk with them about. He asked me & D to hang out on the beach for a few minutes, so I was cool with that!

I had the fleeting thought that it would be fun to get engaged on the beach, but that thought was very quickly gone as we walked along toward the pier & I skipped from jellyfish to jellyfish taking pictures & poking at them...all the while D is trying to get the ring out of his pocket!

As we walked down the beach, I started telling him about my family & how we used to come to Myrtle Beach to visit my grandparents. My Granny & Gramps used to live at MB in the winter time, & my Granny still does each year. I told him fun memories of my Gramps & how I have a picture in my room of the two of us standing on the beach together. D knew my Granny comes in the winter, but he didn't know how actually sweet a spot MB is to me...I don't think I even realized it until then.

We stopped to look around & I pointed to one of the hotels to show him the one where Granny lives when she's at MB. He hugged me...and from there it's kind of a blur...

D told me he wanted to ask me-I put my sunglasses on top of my head so I could look him in the eyes-and he pulled the ring out of his pocket as he got down on one knee & asked "Will you marry me?"

I was in total shock...I think my first words were 'Is this for real? Are you kidding me?' before I reached for the ring! D put the ring on my finger as I came-to a bit & said Yes! It still took me a few minutes before I could really believe what had just happened!

We got to celebrate & be prayed for by Brad, Tanya & Joanna & then hit the road for 10 hours headed back home! We called our family & shared the news with them on our way back, & I don't think I slept but 30 minutes the entire way!

I still am reeling & soaking in the lavish gift Jesus gave me Monday at 3:30pm...the way He set it all up-such evidence that He knows our hearts even better than we know our own. I couldn't have imagined it happening any better than that. We got to be on the beach-right at the water-in the middle of dreaming big & seeing the next for FUSED, in a place that is special to me & my family & it felt like, even though my Gramps is long gone, he still got to be a part of it. I never would have thought of it happening as sweetly as it did...God is amazing.

Now it's time to start planning this thing! I can't wait to see what Jesus has in store for us in these next few months as we get ready for marriage! Bah!

SO bored

I'm sitting here at work wishing the hours away...

Only 2 hours left, but time seems to be creeping SLOWLY by. I'm ready to get out of this place & head to the hair salon for my first 'beauty' shoot for a new online magazine!

D said something today that made me smile...he said it's like Jesus likes that I like photography...he keeps handing opportunities to me. I definitely don't want to miss him in the middle of it all.

I can't do any of this myself. Taking pictures of people...getting the shot right so that they feel great about themselves...i'm finding that is really hard, especially when they are really down on themselves to begin with.

On another note, Christmas is a mere 23 days away...I need to figure out what I'm going to do for people!

Happy Christmas season!

They're all starting to look the same

Let's start with last weekend...

My Accelerator took my roommate to look at engagement rings. While I was listening to Shannah tell me about the experience & how she was freaking out, I started to realize I wanted that experience, too. This whole time I've been hoping D would take me, but at the same time figuring he wanted to do it all himself. But my heart really wanted the experience of us going & looking at them together...to make things more real.

So, Tuesday night I asked him if we could go look at rings together sometime. He said he'd already been thinking that & wanted to take me on date night.

Which brings us to last night.

We got a late start, but we went to Helzberg & started trying on rings. We were friends with the guy helping us, which was fun at first, but at the same time, it was hard. I didn't want to say what I liked for fear that it would be shot down by one of them...all the rings started looking the same to me & I was dying to get out of there.

We left & went to dinner after I cried & told D how I felt. Then sat in the car after dinner crying some more & being honest about where my heart is...I won't go into detail, but it was good to get to let him know what I was feeling & hear him tell me where he's been. I just get to trust Jesus & trust Dusty with the timing of it all.

New York, New York!

I'm getting more excited about these coming weeks/months! There's so much to look forward to!

-Halloween Party OR Needtobreathe this Friday in NKY

-Boyds Orchard fun w/LG this Saturday

-Halloween Sunday

-Thanksgiving

-Dad's Birthday

-3 year anniversary!

-Christmas!

-New Years

-hopefully an engagement somewhere in the mix

-NEW YORK!

-My bday...

Yesterday I booked my hotel room...this is what it will look like:

I will have my very own KING size bed...in Manhattan. I won't need to worry about waking up super early to find my way through the Big Apple...the conference is in the very same hotel!

I did download an application on my phone that shows me all the subway routes & map of NYC. I will for sure be making my way around to do some shopping & visit my friends!

I'll be doing some research as to where to make some stops while I'm in the city....like, maybe Kleinfelds?

We'll see ;)

Happy Spiritual Bday Dusty!

Oct.25.

I really love him. And I love how much he loves Jesus.

I'll write more in the morning...I just wanted to type it out. :)

A new season

This weekend marks the beginning of a new season for me.

A few weeks ago, I heard Jesus confirm that it was time for me to step out of leading my subgroup. Last night I got to tell the girls, & next weekend I will be officially just in a lifegroup.

I'll be going back into Meredith's group, which feels a little weird to me, but it will be good.

I also get to try out a new producing schedule that will have me off two weeks-on two weeks...SO excited for that! My 2 weeks off starts this weekend!

And last, I will be meeting with B to figure out some next steps in Fused!

All I can say is, I'm looking forward to the next... :)

Changes are coming...

Just around the corner, and I am looking forward to them.

For a little while there, I was letting voices get to me...and they weren't even voices that had actually been spoken. It was the enemy's voice trying to make it's way in. But thank you, Jesus for speaking louder than the enemy.

If anything, I've learned how truly great it is to be authentic & how much my leaders care & love me and cheer me on.

It looks like I get to say 'no' to leading a lifegroup. That puts my heart at rest and actually really excites me for what the next in LG looks like. I know some changes will be coming soon...our group will be split soon...I wonder if I'll actually be moved into a new group? Wherever I am, I'll get to just be...I'll get to lead out by just being me, but I won't have any sort of entrustment of leading anyone. It feels a little weird to think about, but I think it will be good.

I got to have lunch with K.D. this afternoon & share what's been going on in my heart in regards to producing...we're going to be praying about what my spot looks like. It might be that I'm on 2/4 weeks a month, or I might try out a new spot on producing...and if it looks like it's actually just time for me to come off producing, then that's what will happen, & it's really ok.

I'm just looking forward to how all of this frees up my heart & lets God do a bigger work in me. :)

These days

These days...

My heart is content & expectant.

It's funny I wrote that this morning...because I just talked with SB & was asked to pray about stepping into officially leading a lifegroup.

It's been something I knew would come sooner or later...as I've been leading a subgroup under Meredith for a few months now, & haven't known if leading my own LG is really something Jesus wants for me...I've been ok not knowing the answer. I knew all along I could ask the question & hear the answer if I wanted to...but that's just it...I don't think I've really wanted to know the answer.

But why?

I'm praying Jesus shows me why that is. What is it that's been keeping me from wanting to know?

Fear? Self? I think both of those in some ways...I'm afraid I would screw it up (even though that is inevitable) & afraid the answer would be yes. I'm not sure if I really want to lead a LG. Not sure if I want that mantle. Part of me just wants to be in a LG where I can learn & soak up truth...but not have the mantle & responsibility of leading a group of women. Listening to my own thoughts it feels a bit like what Jesus was showing me at Summit-afraid God would 'make me do something I didn't really want to do'.

There are times I like leading a LG...there are times I don't like it. I just really want to know if this isn't for me, or if I've just been biting off on self a lot. If it is something Jesus wants me to say yes to, I want to be able to say yes wholeheartedly...not just saying yes because Jesus said to.

So, God, please show me the truth about my heart & the truth about your plans!

Getting more vocal

After D told me Friday that he's been talking to his Accelerator about marriage & he's going to be talking to his dad soon, I've been thinking about it a little more & feeling like it's really ok for me to be a little more vocal with wanting to marry him...

Last night I visited him at his office where he was working late. We got to talking about weddings & I asked him what season he wants to get married in...after some talk, it sounds like we will probably be married before summer next year! That makes my heart happy to know that, & still leaves plenty of room for surprise as I have no clue when the proposal is coming.

I just can't wait. I'm excited to finally get to start shopping & planning for a fun wedding celebration & to start a life with D. It's crazy to think that in less than 9 months, I could be a married woman!

There's movement...

Friday was date night, & D did well planning a sweet night!

We picked up some very fancy italian at Fazolis & drove out to a local winery where we ate dinner at a picnic table listening to live music as the sun was in its first stages of setting. After dinner we took a stroll through the vineyard trying all the different kinds of grapes & playing on the tractors we found in a barn. We tasted some wine & grabbed a glass & hiked up to the top of the vineyard to watch the sun set over a pond. It was gorgeous. A simple & romantic evening. It was great to hear D tell me "I was just thinking about how much I want to marry you". He let me know that he's been talking to his Accelerate leader about it & he is going to talk to his dad this week.

I had been wondering where we were as far as engagement goes...it feels good to know there is movement being made. It felt like we were at a stand-still for a while. I just hope it doesn't take too long! :)

I.Love.This.

Weather!

I really think I just need a job where I get to be outside whenever I want. Wouldn't that be grand?

I've been at this job for over 2 years now...that's a bit wild to me. I wonder, how long does one usually stay at one place as the office manager?

Anyway, I was just strolling through some other blogs & I really have the itch to get creative & crafty. I want to go to flea markets & reupholster a chair. Or paint a set of drawers. Or something.

I want to set up a time to take pictures.

I want to run in the sunlight of the fall weather.

Feeling Creative...

I'm feeling a wee bit creative...heading to Wal Mart to see what I can find.

Unsure...

I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling right now...

I'm feeling like leading a lifegroup isn't for me.

And I think I need to talk to my producing leader about producing on the weekends...

It feels like I need to lighten my load a bit. I'm dying to get more into FUSED. I'm on the lead team & leading producing/production...but I feel so out of things because I'm not leading students anymore. I would love to lead a student lifegroup, but right now I just can't...

I'm not sure whether I'm feeling this stuff because it's the right next step for me to take, or if I'm just in a funk...I love my lifegroup girls, but I'm just not sure it's the right fit for me to lead. I definitely need to talk to Mer, MM & KD.

Date Night!

I'm so looking forward to date night tonight...

Last night as I was driving home I had a thought of what D & I could do for date night this evening...go on a tour of Lexington sharing stories of growing up. We'd go to places that were big parts of our story & tell each other a bit about it. A fun way to get to know more about each other!

Here are some of the places I was thinking:

-Osprey House (where I first lived in Lexington)

-Shilito Park

-Stonewall Woods

-Green House

-Mary Queen

-Jessie Clark

-Lafayette

-Dennis Dr.

-High Bridge

-UK

I'm thinking we go by age...so I'll take him to a few places & then we can go a few places on his list, then back to me, then back to him...

How fun is that? We've been dating for almost 3 years now, but this little trip around town would be such a neat way to let him get to see a picture of me growing up like he hasn't seen before, & vice-versa! :)

You can't go back the life pre-chosen

Leadership Retreat was this past weekend and it was unbelievable.

I went into retreat knowing Jesus wanted to shift something in me, but I had no clue what. I was invited to 1st wave, which is crazy, & that first night, there were 2 lines that rang out really loud:

'It took only took Jesus 32 words for Paul to abandon his whole life plan" &

'You can't go back to the life pre-chosen'

At the end of the first session, Pete & the lead team were standing down front offering batons...if you were ready to run this race with Jesus all the way to the finish line, you could come get one. As I was listening to the worship lyrics, I couldn't sing them..."we are your burning ones, we are consumed by you, we set our lives apart"...those words weren't true of my heart. I knew there was some work I needed to do with Jesus before I could sing & before I could pick up my baton.

I felt Him drawing me to the foot of the cross, a place I had never gone before. I always felt like someone would be watching me or made an excuse as to why I didn't need to go, but this time I knew it was Him & I knew I couldn't argue. I got to spend sweet time humbled at the foot of the cross hearing His voice. He gave me a picture of him reaching his arm into hell & pulling me out, & he said he had me in mind when he went to the cross. He also said that as far as my passion goes, that we needed to get back to the beginning & ignite my passion for him first, then he'll show me from there.

I felt different...worship felt different...& I got my baton.

By the end of retreat, Jesus had shown me places where I resisted being his chosen girl...he said he always chose me, & he chooses me over & over again, but now I get to choose. I was afraid of what people would think if I came back different, & he said "they need you to be different". He told me it is possible for me to be faithful & He is running the race right alongside me.

I got to close an off-ramp I had kept open & declare my faithfulness to Him & to my church...& I chose to run the race all the way to the finish line; to endure through the hard stuff & not stop or give up.

So now I'm back at work...but I can't go back to the life pre-chosen...